What is mean by gaslighting?

Author : Dr.Tulika | 26 Dec 2023

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse. It basically means manipulating someone into questioning their own sanity. Gaslighting is something that often goes unnoticed till a relationship become toxic, and the victims of gaslighting usually feel confused, disturbed and anxious, and end up feeling unable to trust their own feelings, perceptions, memories and interpretations.

The unusual term ‘Gaslighting’ comes from the play and film from 1938 and 1944 respectively, in which it is shown that a husband mentally manipulates his wife into believing that she is insane by changing the illumination of their gas fuelled lights and making her think that she is hallucinating.

Gaslighting is not something that happens in an hour or in a day. It is a slow process that takes time to build up, and may require weeks, months or even years. It is also very difficult to diagnose because of the slow nature of its progression, and especially because gaslighting is usually perpetrated by a trusted loved one with ulterior motives that even that person might not consciously be aware of.

How does gaslighting happen?

The person who perpetrates gaslighting systematically and methodically manipulates the victim into believing that they are wrong, even when the truth is otherwise. The victim begins to become less confident as time goes because of such frequent occurrences. This is a form of emotional abuse and the person doing the gaslighting usually suffers from some psychiatric personality disorder such as the narcissistic personality disorder or the borderline personality disorder.

Formation of trust is the first step towards gaslighting. When we trust someone blindly, we begin to believe everything they tell us. The process of gaslighting is so subtle that you will never be able to pinpoint exactly how or when it began.

There are many ways in which someone can be gaslighted. Some commonly used tactics are as follows:

● Lying - persons who gaslight others are habitual and pathological liars. They will tell a blatant lie, and then go to any heights to prove that they are right and you are wrong. They will confuse you by making you questioning your own memory and your own version of events, never backing down and accepting that they are not telling the truth. The conviction with which they lie makes us question ourselves. 

● Countering - a person who gaslights will always counter whatever you tell. Anything you say will be rules out and the opposite will be stated to be the truth by the person who gaslights. 

● Trivializing - a person who gaslights will trivialise your version of events, and disrespect or belittle you constantly. But this trivialisation is not direct. It is indirect, under the disguise of being a well-wisher and someone who cares for you. 

● Denial - a person who gaslights may refuse to accept, or deny an incident or the way an incident occurred according to you. they will give their version of events which will contradict yours, making you question what is wrong with your memory. 

● Diversion - A person who gaslights will keep diverting topics and focus of attention to confuse you about a given topic, and then make you question yourself. 

● Stereotyping - It has been stated that a person who gaslights someone can make use of stereotypes about sex, culture ethnicity etc to gaslight a person. 

Why does someone gaslight another person?

The need for gaslighting someone else comes from the desire to have complete control over the other person. Sometimes the perpetrator might not even be aware that they are gaslighting the person they love. The need to have total control over the partner or the other person can stem from deep rooted insecurities, need for attention, or a belief of being inferior to others and trying to compensate for the same by asserting control. Some people who have sustained abuse as a child can develop the desire to be the one who controls, and become a perpetrator of gaslighting in adulthood. Some individuals have borderline or narcissistic personality disorder and such people have no empathy for others. They do not suffer from the guilt a normal person feels while treating another individual in a bad way, and hence they can easily lie and manipulate other people.

What are the various settings where gaslighting is common?

Gaslighting is common in the following settings:

● Romantic relationships – insecurities in a relationship and desire to have complete control over partner can lead to gaslighting and a toxic and emotionally abusive relationship. 

● Medical gaslighting – a medical professional may gaslight a patient by trivializing his or her symptoms and making them believe that they are crazy or insane, and the physical symptoms are just a sign of being mentally unstable. Since a doctor is someone who is in a position of utmost trust, it is easy for a gullible patient to get gaslighted. 

● Institutional gaslighting – institutional gaslighting may be perpetrated by company’s or organization’s against their employees by hiding or denying them information about their rights and questioning mental stability of anyone who tries to uncover the un-doings of the organization. 

● Political gaslighting – this occurs when a political leader lies and manipulates people by falsifying information and portraying false claims about opponents in order to get votes. 

What are the signs that someone is getting gaslighted?

Following are the signs to look out for if you feel someone is getting gaslighted: 

● Feelings of confusion 

● Inability to take decision 

● Anxiety 

● Feelings of insecurity and low self worth 

● Frequent emotional outbursts. 

● Frequently questioning own self 

● Defending behaviour of the person who seems to be the perpetrator of gaslighting 

● Extreme trust and loyalty towards someone who doesn’t treat them well. 

● Constantly apologizing to the abusive person 

● Social withdrawal. 

● Lying to others for making excuses for the abusive person. 

What to do if someone is getting gaslighted? 

Gaslighting can be psychologically very traumatic and if continued, can result in the victim landing up with anxiety disorder or depression. Even worse, this could escalate to physical abuse. Hence it is necessary to identify and put a full-stop to gas-lighting. 

If you think you are getting gaslighted, first analyse the situation and work out the pattern of how the gaslighting works. Then, plan a strategy to counter this by keeping objective proof to validate whatever you say, so that the person who gaslights cannot prove you false. This can be done by keeping a secret diary, recording phone call, taking pictures of things or people and keeping proof of date and time of occurrences of events.

Talk to a close family member or friend and confide in them. Take their help to counter the person.

You can take help of the domestic abuse helpline. Emotional abuse is considered to be as severe, or sometimes more harmful than physical abuse because it leaves no visible scars or signs and is difficult to prove. 

For the mental help aspect, take the help of a mental health professional. They are well trained to counsel you and teach you how to deal with the effects and after-effects of gaslighting.

What is ‘hoovering’? 

‘Hoovering’ is the tactic used by the person who is a perpetrator of gaslighting to stop their victim from leaving them, by claiming how much they love them and how things can change for better. However, usually, the history repeats itself once the victim again falls prey to these tactics. 

So finally, it is better to leave a person you gaslights you, manipulates you and tarnishes your self-respect. 

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